This is called domestic violence. So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. Please dont ever stop! Through this Blog it has become to Clear. In this article I am not talking about rape, but about people who lie and put others down. After a vew weeks he hit the wall just next to my head. He is becoming more unreasonable. I could do anything and my dad tells me how proud of me he is, while I can't recall my mom ever telling me that for anything I've done. I am sure I forgot somethings if there is any doubt in your mind while I am ending this, read this again until you get it. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. I used to get sucked into the chaos and then anything I said or did was magnified. I managed to get my ground back in some important ways. So playing with children and being a hero to them, feels safe, because children dont judge. As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. We had a one year long distance relationship after living together for two years and I didnt even get a phone call when we had a family bereavement. I have worked hard the last two years, but short of losing my own identity to stay in the marriage I needed to rescue me and build a new life. All I can add at this point in the blog is that I encourage everyone to get Kim & Steves ebooks and other materials. Your or Steves suggestion would be so appreciated! Mostly, I hope you will, if youre reading this. Like I said, I have been firm with establishing boundaries for myself in a calm and non-confrontational but stern manner, but he continues to violate them and refuses to speak to me. Forever taking and never giving. She told me when I was in high school that she picked me to take care of all the family members. Meanwhile the lunatics are still carrying on the same as before, just with whoever will tolerate them, those poor people have my sympathy. As for your car I would make a statement to the police and say it is necessary they investigate this for your insurance claim. Everyday is a challenge. (sorry my neglish is not very good) I realise now my first husband had some signs of npd. Thank you for giving me the hope that you do give Kim it is so refreshing!!! 3. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. I would not stay next time he is cheating. Perhaps hes just a 2 on the scale of 1-4, but hes still a 2, and it still is very difficult to live with. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? Clever eh. Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. Weve been together 7 years. Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. Me feeling of hurt on emotionally not feeling special. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. I dont want to lose him. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. Read them all cover to cover first, and then start following the steps and doing the exercises. When someone is being selfish and KNOWS theyre being selfish or not accountable for bad behavior, I really want them to understand how mean and hurtful theyre being, and how theyre creating fallacies merely to rationalize it to escape blame. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. He also sexually assaulted our 4 year old one night during a drunken binge and was arrested but got off on a technicality even though CPS said there was no doubt it happened and all of us are in counseling due to the additional verbal and psychological abuse. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. Sonia. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. Also I realise his controlling behaviour of me , is a lack of control of himself . Do not include anything about your relationship. 3. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. He owes me large amounts of money, takes me to court to harass me and only takes notice of police and bailiffs. While I was asleep, got my phone and synced with it taking all of my photos my phone showed that his phone synced to mine at 3:53 a.m. And he took things of mine and continued to invade my privacy until suddenly woke at 5:30 and saw him standing at the foot of my bed!!! Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. We are going to change this? They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). This has been my experience of Narcissists. I found out after many years that my father had these traits, and I dated several men over the years very much like him. You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. Ronda Dee. The narcissist begins by bullying the person endeavoring to hold them accountable. You like to be sick. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. I really think your theory is wise! My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. And this already had effects. And since the consequences were triggered by events, there was no means for understanding through close communication. I will never understand it. Everything that came out of his mouth was horrible. Our ongoing battle has been over his ex-wife. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. I dont want my children to marry a person like him. He instantly claimed he did nothing wrong and tried to act like they were against both of us. Doing so leads them to become frustrated or angry. The reason I cant trust his apologies or promises now is because I heard them all before almost verbatim. I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. But it was when I got the cancer that my husband completely changed. It appears they are in total denial of their behaviour. Thats something Ive learned to be so difficult with my husband (we are both men). I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. Narcissists need to be the center of attention at all times. I would be hurt and he would be riding the clouds towards his glorious throne. Hi Cindy, There is advice about how to get him to leave at the end of back from the Looking Glass (-: When my husband would say something similar to that I would respond with I will/can only take responsibility/accountability for my half/end of the situation, NOT your half/end of it. I see our old marriage counselor for trauma therapy and he said he feels my husband has anti-social personality disorder with narciccistic traits. When bubs doesnt sleep and I get a little touchy when he wakes, he go he goes back to bed, I later discover hes gone home and I cop the blame for making him feel unwelcome! To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? It took me quite some time catching up on reading all of the comments. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. She calls every email I send her Diatribes which tells me 1) she doesnt give a good rats ass about my feelings or opinions 2) dismisses my opinion yet expects me to hear her out every time!If I told you everything about our relationship I would write a 10 volume encyclopedia! He is also a huge sex addict and turns out he had a secret apt. Now that part I dont understand. You do what you want and let others deal w it. I cant continue this with the emotional scares he is dragging my daughter through as he plays daddy for the last four years then suddenly heads for the hills to go MIA without an explanation. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. Marie, sorry to hear. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. I think the marriage is dead. It is true that our program means you have to do most of the work (in changing how you deal with their abuse) but I do believe that your partner can change as I have seen it in Steve and so many others now. He got arrested for teen porn on his computer. Lived 25 years with verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse. He is so fake but good at it with others. Pride kills humility. My blood pressure is now normal again and I like myself again. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? I want the real man. I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. I am sure you did all you could and I am sorry that you feel so angry and disappointed I hope that understanding and time brings you healing. What percentage of females. Im already doing that. I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. (is that part of narcissism?). He is getting the msg now and is much nicer, kinder but he is still the charmer especially of women who adore him..and men want to protect him.. and he is a role playing man. The first time my son met him he said that man is bipolar and several other people said that about him. He is unstable and is alsi a habitual liar. I was speechless. Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? I know he is or will spread this lie about me because when I first met him, he said the same thing about his exWifehe lied about her and is gonna use the same lies on me?? They changed my attitude not his right away.. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. These consist of circular conversations, arguments, projection, and gaslighting to disorient you and get you off track. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. To hold yourself accountable, you may choose to tell a trusted friend about ending the relationship or do something too "final" to backtrack too easily on (such as signing the lease on a new apartment far away from the narcissist or blocking them on all social media channels - any step that reminds you of how far you've come and will . And I have no idea what to do with the business. Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? Sorry to hear Joan. He knew it would be very hard for me to obtain a job in Germany. 4 Bore them with the "gray rock" treatment. He is very sensitive. Why? He feels I am wronging him by leaving. Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. The following are common areas clients struggle with regarding personal accountability: Stay in control of your emotions. He wanted to stay but I was too difficult to live with. Take good care. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. Ana. I am weaning myself at the moment out of a relationship with a very toxic individual who was the final nail in my rocky marriage. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. It certainly was the case with me. Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. I really dont know how much more I can take of this bad behavior. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! 3. I have not entered a relationship yet until I am convinced hes relationship material. In some places in the world this is not possible however and the victim becomes further victimized by the system. 14) When it was your daughters birthday keep in mind she is 8 and I was worried about you not buying her a present and letting her know you loved her. His escaping from commitment, especially that we r far now made me obsessive and jealous. ugh. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. One thing that was powerful for me was to tell me friend about others loving me. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon. The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him.