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Remember them the next time youre talking to a friend or family member that has served as a Marine because these jokes are bound to make them smile. If a baby joined the Army, where would they belong? She's been working as a writer, editor, QA specialist, and SEO professional for more than four years. My husbands cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. It was carefully encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: Dick, when youre finished, can you mail back my container?. Hey, Im from Chicago too!. Kassidy Barber is the Assistant Editor for VeteranLife.com and MyBaseGuide.com. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. I got one here related to the tranparency of Soviet news.. ----- *News report from Soviet press agency* A friendly communist agricultural tractor was intercepted by enemy group of seven Chinese battle tanks, while performing its everyday works on wheat fields along Soviet-Chinese border. When a Navy fighter pilot saw this, he decided to approach the man and see what he was doing. Military Jokes and Humor stories have always amused and entertained. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. 11. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. It was PRIVATE. Reliable sources report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 'I could see the bones in my hands.' F-84 pilot tells the story of when My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Known to bicker and make fun of each other often, its likely that those in the military have a good sense of humor. [Easy] How to Clean Rust off of a Gun Without Damaging it? There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silenteyebrows arched, brain overloaded. Caller: Is Sgt. What should have been the day we chose to celebrate World Military Day? 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant. 1. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance", To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid", The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, He replied, When they stopped shooting at me.. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. Not to mention, when spending many hours deployed and away from home, telling jokes and connecting through humor is the best way to avoid the difficulty of real life. I instantly knew I was in the right outfit when I looked around. I dont see it.. I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. He wanted to move out of the barracks as soon as possible. What do pilots and air traffic controllers have in common? Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. But 1) In World War II, a German U-boat was sunk because of a malfunctioning toilet. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. Return to Humor Index. You have plenty of time. Jack Girard. Connors eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, You used to be a bear?. Marine Approved is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associate Program. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard. Get up! Checking to see that he had everyones attention, he asked, What is the first rule?, Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, Shut up, Drill Sergeant!, Army Says: HOOOOOAH! 75+ Top Military Jokes for Every Branch | Thought Catalog Here soldiers share what theyve gleaned from past gaffes: I was cold Im convinced my cockroaches have military training. We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. Please do not leave children or spouses, 14. Thanks for coming back for me, the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. His reply was quick and to the point: You didnt.. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Rather than fire a shot, I shouted out the first half My father was serving in a port city in postWorld War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. (Hang up. I am the PMC at a Dinner Night next week, where apart from my Boss and myself the rest of the guests are Army (from an array of cap badges). 4) At the real-life Topgun programthe one the film was based onthere is a $5 fine for any staffer who references or quotes the movie. What has a nose and flies, but can't smell? [Answered]. A drill serGENTLEMEN! Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike? Our puns and jokes are here for the soldiers as well as everyone else to enjoy. 130 Best Aviation Humor ideas | aviation humor, humor, aviation - Pinterest Anecdotes 1. Choose from military jokes such as army jokes, navy jokes and marine jokes that will bring out. I served in Korea, said Uncle Jerry. 55+ Best Pilot Jokes That Fly | Kidadl Did you make it all by yourself? As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Every one knows the definition of a good landing is one you can walk away from. I told him that I had a date that night and asked for a How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? Whats the difference between God and a fighter pilot? What should have been the day we chose to celebrate World Military Day? Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. 2023 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. They are the ones protecting us at all times from external threats. A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal, 22. It took the poor guy all day. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. I was very nervous, she said. Dad got quiet. U.S. Air Force Grounds Hundreds of Jets: Their Tails May Fall Off He says, Anyway, enough about me. While waiting every one will come by multiple times except yours, 62. USN: Helos The Scouts at least have adult supervision. Whats the difference between a special forces member of the Navy and an otter? Do not conduct live fire exercises at the generals (unattended) jeep, even if its parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone. During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had artistic abilities. Aircraft Pilot "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign", Radar Controller: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two". Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. How old are you? a tenant asked. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship. After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. I heard this one from my basic training company commander. I smiled and said, Sure was a lot of em, huh sir?. Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, Hey, kid, your candy bars on fire.. You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet. Aviation jokes | Key Aero 36. What do you call a snail that boards a Navy ship? We were inspecting several lots of grenades. You know you cant outrun a bear, right?, The soldier said, The way I see it, I just have to outrun you.. Air Force Says OKEY DOKEY?. SUB sandwiches! I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. Military 3. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. We thought we would try to share as many with you as possible. Stay out of clouds. But I had the last laugh. Caller: Is Sgt. My father was serving in a port city in postWorld War II Germany when a ship laden with GIs docked. A lot of the jokes on this list I heard while I was in the Marines, but I want to give credit to our friends at ralleypoint.com and unijokes.com. The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. Emergency Checklist Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Joke #1 Ask the Army to secure a building and they will set up a perimeter around it and make sure nobody gets out. If you have a military joke you think our readers would like then send it to military_jokes@strategyworld.com. What do you call a group of kids who enlists in the military? Did You Hear About The Accident at the Army Base? From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to announce that we have some of the best Flight Attendants in the aviation industry. Two PFCs are walking down the street and one of them says, Oh look, a dead bird. The other PFC looks at the sky and says, Where? The real definition of USCG is Uncle Sams Confused Group.. If it doesnt move, pick it up. Because hes a captain in the Air Force. Mother, As the general inspected our troops, he asked some of the Marines which outfit they were serving with. Now, I was shy of six feet tall, but when our drill sergeant called for all six-footers to line up, I stepped forward anyway. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I will not charge you. This happened several times times throughout the flight. Being in the military is no laughing matter, but you know what can liven the spirits of those who serve or have served? Keeping it safe for democracy. Lori Shandle-Fox. When the Marine finishes up, he starts to head for the door. Next to your name, the sergeant said, initial it. U.S. Navy Warship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees south to avoid a collision. I was the tallest guy in line. For example, heres what happens when each of them is told to secure a building. As I left the barbershop with sideburns in hand, I heard him ask his next victim, Where are you from? Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. Bomber Pilots Do Them Too. 7. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab. Later, I spoke with Mom. ", "Sir" she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now". Home Blog 14 Funniest Military Jokes Ever (2022 Edition). 41. Halt! shouted our drill instructor. ! Again, no reply. and his platoon of recruits were marching, their sergeant slipped and tumbled down a ravine. The main job of the military is to provide the country's citizens absolute protection from both internal and external attacks. The Lasting Supper This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants, 24. All you have to do is remove the dirt.. However, a great landing is one where you can use the airplane again afterwards. 3. Unless you pull the stick too far back, then they get bigger again very quickly". However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear During KP duty, my sergeant ordered me to prepare 100 gallons of soup for that nights dinner. There was one particular sergeant that worried about everything possible. They bagged six. 11. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first shot. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, Theres been a jeep explosion. Aviation Humor. The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. It is always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5) The Franco-Prussian War ended in a stalemate and had to be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries prime ministers. Germany's military 'Zeitenwende' is off to a slow start Do you know where the sensor is located? my My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: The U.S. Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars. The soldier remarked, How long was I in there for?. Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics. Sidling right up to the student, the speaker shouted in his ear, What would you do for a patient in the event of a nuclear war? Airman: The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside! 65. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? What do you call a military officer who goes to the bathroom a lot? Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: Welcome aboard Flight 245 to Calgary. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of Its important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, theyre bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. 1. Basically, if you click on a product link on this site and buy that product we get a small commission at no extra cost to you. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. If you stop to ask Why, you will be talking to yourself, 8. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? The Best Short Military Jokes 1. What do you call a Marine that has an IQ of 160? DeFrigNo! The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. You might be a Coastie if a cruise does not sound like a vacation to you. Cabin Attendant Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from a captive audience, 56. Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. In the 60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When Is Military Appreciation Month? Discover the best military jokes with this expansive list that covers some old ones and some new ones to brighten your smile. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. What do you call a second lieutenant surrounded by PFCs? Overheard on a flight into Regina, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight to control it. A LOOtenant! Do not attempt to shave with fire. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship. Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Military Aviation Humor | Civil Aviation Humor | Life in the Military | Submit a Joke Aunt Mary is an F-16 pilot A fifth-grade teacher told her students "I'd like for one of you to tell the class a story with a moral", so little Suzy raised her hand. I just shut down two engines, kid" came the sarcastic reply. Takeoffs are optional. 64. Fighter Training Manual Airspeed, Altitude, and Brains Two are always needed to successfully complete a flight, 7. 4. Why Do We Celebrate It? The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. Two Army second lieutenants started debating over certain distances. USMC: OHH! How much noise can we make up here? A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Passenger Cargo that talks or Self-loading freight, 58. Why won't you kiss me? In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. He started this website while transitioning out of the Marines, and since has recruited several other Marines to help him work on the Marine Approved website. My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. P | Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. At least SEVEN Cs! Learn from the mistakes of others. This program is designed to provide a way for websites to earn advertising fees by linking to Amazon. A sailor and a marine are both in the bathroom peeing. Ask the Air Force to secure a building and they will sign a 10 year lease with an option to buy. Pizza de Resistance 40. You should always use any of that variety of jokes sparingly. Why was the sergeant made when his son brought home an A in math? Military Aviation - Technology: Where it Started and Where it's Going Military Jokes Military Humor - Strategypage.com "It took us a while to find a new pilot." Why did the airplane get sent to his room? Killed bin Laden. A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman. "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees", "But Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. Louis, I grumbled. U.S. Navy Warship: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. Military Aviation Humor | Civil Aviation Humor | Life in the Military | Submit a Joke Problem: "Smoke in cabin." Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days." Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)." Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day." Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail." Solution: "Use a real missile. Shotgun: Comparison for a First-Time Gun Buyer, What Are The Basic Parts Of Ammunition? On previous visits, she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. One day, I was told As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. When the the Marine came back the Soldier nodded and thanked him for the drink, very pleased he pulled one over on the Marine. 6, 2 to cheer, 2 to fire the weapon and 2 to take pictures! Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. Turn it off and watch the pilot start sweating. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.. The good news: You got a bulls eye. Before my head could swell too much, he added, But it was in somebody elses target.. Sergeant, he said, what if we dont have any initials? Matthew Nazarian. This site contains affiliate links. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all, as they should be. During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. Without a letter from public affairs, well have to take your camera. I did the only thing I could do: I pulled a notepad and pen from my bag and wrote a letter giving myself permission to take photos. Attention! The other replied, Not me! Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you? the base operator asked him. But my fears were put Our bases Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Even better, have them explain the joke to you after and have a good laugh yourself. I wanted to join the Marines but I fell just short of their requirements. "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position", 18. Minimum Connecting Time Time it takes an Olympic Gold Medal sprinter to run between two gates, 61. Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers: A. Either way, it is a simple gesture that will be sure to get a grin. Why, certainly, young man, he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters. Mother, as you know, I, too, am a captain in the Air Force. Now, they are wanted for dessertion. After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. Anyone wanting to take pictures on our bases airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. Killed bin Laden. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?, Without hesitating the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth! Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. But something struck me as odd. Flight Announcements 4. Grandpapa Johns Pizza. ", The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we landit's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern". Thanks. 100 Hilarious Airplane Jokes That Are Surely to Take Off Unless you're a pilot, an aeronautical engineer, a hang-around traveler, or simply someone who enjoys aviation, airplane jokes are surely right up your alley. We have one or two in here! You might be in the Coast Guard if your idea of aromatherapy is Simple Green and JP5. I just put them all together for your amusement. The Marine said Are you crazy? 30. What do you call a Marines with an IQ of 160? March forth! To the Soldiers surprise, the Marine was laughing about it. Related read: 11 of the Best Veteran Memes That Perfectly Sum Up Veteran Humor. What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth? I During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. When they landed, the pilot turned to Warren and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. He holds the bulb and then the world revolves around him to screw it in. Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. A Soldier and a Marine were sitting next to each other on a plane. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. Even those who work in relation to the military, such as the Department of Defense, or know someone that has served, are bound to find a few of these hilarious. Ask the Marines to secure a building and they will charge in, kill everybody inside, and then set up defenses to make sure nobody gets in. Scan the list below to find some hilarious military one-liners that will make your Navy friend laugh like crazy. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. I enjoyed the humor section quite a bit. It was basic training, and I was seated in the barber chair bemoaning the impending loss of my hair when the barber asked, Where are you from? St. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass except me. Why do flight attendants make great astronauts? Adding one, came from my saw carrying ARMY soldier: How many Marines does it take to fire a machine gun? On-time Arrival Obscure term meaning unknown, 63. 18. What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth? I asked. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. These 105+ Airplane Jokes Will Surely Soar At Your Next Party - Scary Mommy I waited for whoever it was to prove he was an American and reply with the countersign, Marshall. Instead, silence.George! When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from We were inspecting several lots of grenades. The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot". MARCH! They throw out a pistol. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have, 16. My granddaughters husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: Hed sent a message to 300 of his My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. A drill serGENTLEMEN! In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments, 23. Meanwhile, the sergeant glared at the others. Aeronautical Humor. Youre the only one I can think of she wont be able to drink under the table.. Tower "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7", Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway", Tower "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern? Marine: Wait, stop. ", "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?". Eat up! How tough? Spread the humor by leaving a secret written joke on a neighbor's stoop, a colleague's desk, or mail it to your best friend. You had tents?" Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. A lieutenant stood up and asked, Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?. Why doesnt the Army football team have a website? Jokes about crayon eaters and narcissistic Air Force personnel will never get old, though. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. These jokes are perfect for anyone in the military to laugh at. In an attempt to keep, the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed the Flight Attendant of an internal flight said over the PA, "Ladies and Gentlemen. Sometime later, when the examination was Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment. A military sergeant lieutenant saying Based on my experience She also liked her scotch. There are optimists and pessimists in aviation. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. Aviation Humor - F-16.net - The ultimate F-16, F-22, F-35 reference They cant seem to string three Ws together. The two lads objected strongly. St. Did it work? 2. The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husbands first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. You might be in the Coast Guard if you claim to have every woman in the port, yet youre at an ashore unit. Rodrigues there? What kind of grades do you need to have in order to join the Navy? The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, Those who laughed, get down and give me 20! A.J. Air Traffic Control 6. OHH OHOH! Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Fish Food. When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. No copyright required, as all content is freely available on 1,000s of websites. 100+ WW2 Trivia Questions For HistoryBuffs, 17 Military Personnel Talk About The Creepiest Thing Theyve Seen OnDuty, 100+ Scary Stories to Read in the Dark to Leave You With Chills[2021], A Writers Diary Entries From Mid-April,1986, 30 Spooky Paranormal Stories From Former MilitaryPersonnel, You might be in the Coast Guard if people have looked at you and said, The Coast Guard is part of the military?, You might be in the Coast Guard if your child points to the ship and says, Thats where my parent lives!, You might be a Coastie if you head an HH-65 and.